Abortion: Secret shame but common experience

Written By Kyla M

Trigger warning: this article uses language about those seeking or having an abortion as being women. Predominantly, most people who get pregnant and have had an abortion are women, but some are not, either because they do not identify as a woman, or are not designated as female at birth (intersex). If you are not a woman and have had an experience related to abortion and you find this article triggering, please reach out for support.

Abortion: Secret Shame

Abortion is one of the most common reproductive experiences worldwide — and yet it remains one of the most silenced.

Many people who have had an abortion carry it quietly, often without ever speaking about it openly. Not because it was insignificant, but because of the fear of judgement, misunderstanding, or shame. For something so common, abortion is still treated as something that must be hidden.

As psychologists, we see the emotional impact of this silence. Not because abortion itself is inherently traumatic, but because secrecy, stigma, and lack of support can be.

How Common Is Abortion?

Globally, it is estimated that around 1 in 4 women will have an abortion in their lifetime. In Australia, abortion is a routine part of healthcare and is accessed by people of all ages, backgrounds, relationship statuses, and life stages.

Despite this, many people believe they are “the only one” in their social circle who has had an abortion. This belief is a direct result of silence — not rarity.

When experiences are hidden, they can feel isolating. When they are shared, people often discover how common their experience truly is.

Why Does Abortion Carry So Much Shame?

Shame around abortion does not arise in a vacuum. It is shaped by:

  • Cultural and religious narratives about motherhood

  • Widely held beliefs that pregnancy should be welcomed by women as a blessing and that motherhood (and pregnancy) is natural, uncomplicated and easy

  • Moral debates that reduce complex lives to slogans

  • Gendered expectations that people should feel only one “acceptable” way

  • Misinformation about the emotional impact of abortion

Even people who firmly believe they made the right decision may still experience shame — not because of regret, but because they have absorbed societal messages that tell them they should feel bad.

Shame thrives in secrecy. It is reinforced when abortion is spoken about only in political terms, rather than as a lived human experience.

There Is No “Right” Way to Feel After an Abortion

One of the most damaging myths about abortion is that there is a single emotional outcome.

In reality, people report a wide range of responses, including:

  • Relief

  • Sadness

  • Grief

  • Neutrality

  • Mixed or shifting emotions over time

  • A sense of closure

  • A sense of loss without regret

These experiences are not mutually exclusive. Someone can feel relief and grief. Certainty and sadness. Peace and complexity.

Importantly, large-scale research consistently shows that abortion does not increase the risk of long-term mental health problems. What predicts distress is not the abortion itself, but factors such as:

  • Pre-existing mental health concerns

  • Lack of support

  • Coercion or pressure

  • Ongoing stigma and secrecy

When Silence Becomes the Hardest Part

For many people, the most painful part of an abortion is not the decision — it is carrying it alone.

Silence can lead to:

  • Feeling disconnected from partners or friends

  • Questioning one’s own emotions

  • Suppressing grief or relief because it feels “unacceptable”

  • Feeling undeserving of support

Some people come to therapy years later, not because they regret their abortion, but because they never felt allowed to process it at the time.

Others feel distressed because people around them treat it like it’s “no big deal,” leaving no space to acknowledge loss or complexity.

Both experiences are valid.

Abortion and Identity

Abortion can intersect with identity in unexpected ways. It may raise questions about:

  • Motherhood

  • Bodily autonomy

  • Values

  • Relationships

  • Fertility

  • Control and choice

For some, abortion becomes a quiet but significant part of their life story. For others, it fades into the background. Neither response is more “correct” or healthy.

What matters is having space — internally or with others — to make sense of it on your own terms.

Therapy as a Place Without Judgement

Psychological support after abortion is not about pushing a particular narrative. It is not about framing abortion as trauma, nor dismissing emotional pain.

Therapy can offer:

  • A confidential space to speak freely

  • Validation of complex or contradictory feelings

  • Support with grief, relief, or unresolved emotions

  • Help untangling shame from values

  • Reclaiming your own narrative

Many clients say it is the first time they have spoken openly about their abortion — sometimes years later — and that simply being able to name it without judgement is profoundly relieving.

Moving From Shame to Self-Compassion

Shame tells us: “Something is wrong with me.”
Compassion asks instead: “What did I need at that time?”

When people reflect on their abortion with compassion, they often recognise:

  • They made the best decision they could with the information and circumstances they had

  • Their choice was about care — for themselves, their families, or future children

  • Complexity does not mean failure

Letting go of shame does not require celebrating abortion or minimising its impact. It requires honesty, kindness, and permission to be human.

You Are Not Alone

If you have had an abortion and carry feelings you have never spoken aloud — whether they are heavy, neutral, or confusing — you are not unusual. You are not broken. You are not alone.

Abortion is a common experience. Silence and shame do not have to be.

If this article has brought up thoughts or feelings you haven’t had the space to explore. You don’t have to do that alone. Therapy can offer a confidential, non-judgemental space to talk at your own pace - whether you’re seeking understanding, relief, or simply a place to name your experience.

Abortion Resources

Here are some further support and information channels that might help you:

Kyla M
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