Why some women struggle to orgasm
Many women struggle to reach orgasm, but very few feel comfortable talking about it. Anorgasmia—difficulty or inability to achieve orgasm—affects a significant number of women at some point in their lives. Yet because the topic carries shame and silence, most women assume they are the only one dealing with it.
The truth is: anorgasmia is common, treatable, and nothing to be embarrassed about.
This article breaks down what anorgasmia is, why it happens, and how psychological therapy can support healthy, satisfying sexual functioning.
What Is Anorgasmia?
Anorgasmia refers to:
Delayed orgasm
Marked difficulty reaching orgasm
Inability to orgasm at all, despite sufficient stimulation
It can occur during:
Masturbation
Partnered sex
Certain types of stimulation only
Specific contexts (stress, new partner, relationship conflict)
There are three main types:
Lifelong anorgasmia – orgasm has never been experienced
Acquired anorgasmia – orgasm was possible in the past but no longer
Situational anorgasmia – orgasm occurs in some circumstances but not others
Understanding which type you’re experiencing can help guide treatment.
Why Do Some Women Struggle to Orgasm?
Female sexual response is influenced by physical, emotional, relational, and cultural factors. Anorgasmia almost always has multiple causes, not just one.
1. Stress, Anxiety, and Mental Load
The female orgasm relies heavily on the ability to relax and stay present. I talk a lot with my clients about ‘psychological safety’ during sex. When women don’t feel safe, or are in “busy” or “stress” mode, orgasm is off the table.
Common contributors:
Mental “noise” - having too much going through your head
Performance anxiety (“Why isn’t this working?”)
Worrying about a partner’s expectations
Mental load (work, kids, household responsibilities)
Pressure from a partner, even when well intentioned (such as their interest in your pleasure) can also make achieving orgasm very difficult. I call this the ‘deer in headlights’ effect. For many women, the more pressure there is on achieving orgasm, the less likely it is to happen, and the more performative sex becomes with ‘faking’ an orgasm a likely outcome.
2. Shame & Sexual Conditioning
Many women grow up with messages such as:
“Good girls don’t enjoy sex.”
“Pleasure is selfish.”
“It’s wrong to touch yourself.”
“Sex is about your partner enjoying themself, not you"
These beliefs can sit in the nervous system and block orgasm even when the adult mind knows better. Many women aren’t encouraged to masturbate in the same way as men are, which also contributes to not only a lack of understanding of their body (see 3), but also a relative discomfort with sexual experiences. One of the first things I ask my female clients who experience this issue is: “Do you masturbate, and how often?”
3. Lack of Understanding of One’s Own Body
Many women:
Don’t know what type of stimulation they like
Have never explored masturbation
Feel embarrassed talking about it with partners
Don’t receive consistent clitoral stimulation
Since the majority of women need direct or indirect clitoral stimulation to orgasm, lack of clitoral attention in sex is a major factor.
4. Relationship Factors
Emotional closeness, communication, trust, and safety strongly influence orgasm.
Challenges may include:
Feeling disconnected
Fear of vulnerability
Mismatch in pace or preferences
Resentment or unresolved conflict
5. Trauma History
Sexual trauma, coercion, or negative early sexual experiences can lead to physical freeze responses, body disconnection, or difficulty relaxing.
6. Medical or Hormonal Factors
Although this blog focuses on psychological contributors, it’s important to consider:
Medication side effects (SSRIs are common culprits)
Hormonal changes (perimenopause, birth control)
Pelvic floor dysfunction
Pain conditions such as vaginismus or vulvodynia
A collaborative approach with GPs, pelvic physiotherapists, or sexual health doctors is often ideal.
7. Gender Inequality & Internalised Misogyny
Heterosexual and bisexual women achieve orgasm at a much lower frequency than men, with research showing that heterosexual women achieve orgasm about 60% of the time versus men who achieve orgasm 85% of the time. Lesbian women, on the other hand, achieve orgasm at about the same rate as men, indicating that it’s not the case of women being ‘more complicated’ than men.
When coaching couples experiencing female anorgasmia, I typically find that it’s due to a combination of:
Lack of knowledge and understanding from the male partner about female physiology and pleasure
Lack of understanding by the women about what she finds pleasurable
Difficulties in communicating desires and sexual preferences.
Gender inequality and internalised misogyny (that is the internal and subconscious belief by women that they are inferior or less deserving than men) often means that women have difficulty not only prioritising their own pleasure, but in advocating for their own pleasure by saying “yes do that more” or “I don’t like that, can you do this instead…”
8. Lack of Knowledge and Poor Communication
Very few people learn the skills they need to enable effective sexual communication, which means that many people avoid talking about preferences, needs and difficulties. Many women also have experiences of trying to communicate a sexual preference and having a negative reaction from their male partner (such as anger, rejection or embarrassment). These experiences usually result in the woman withholding feedback from their partner, as well as from future partners. Sexual feedback, however, is an important part of a fulfilling and mutually pleasurable sexual relationship or experience and is not something that indicates inadequacy, but rather indicates respect and trust. Couples that have the best sex lives typically have great chemistry, connection, intimacy and an appreciation that feedback is a good thing (yes even when they say you’re not great at something).
There is no country in the world that has yet perfected sexual education. Because of this, most people will be guided by what they see in porn as to what is normal and pleasurable, creating unrealistic expectations and misinformation about what ‘works’. Female anatomy has also been dominated by male anatomists (a woman’s body literally has men’s names all over it). The word vagina as an example literally means “sheath for a sword”. The G spot was also invented by German gynaecologist Ernst Gräfenberg, with debate continuing to this day as to whether it is real or not (my own opinion is that it is actually a bundle of nerves at the back of the clitoris which only some women have). Without the perspective and experiences of women being a core component of medical understanding, there is a persistent lack of knowledge about female anatomy, physiology, pleasure and desire. It’s no wonder then that so many women and couples struggle.
How Anorgasmia Impacts Women Emotionally
Women often describe:
Feeling “broken”
Guilt or shame
Worrying about partner satisfaction
Avoiding sex to avoid disappointment
Low desire because sex feels unsuccessful
These emotional layers can become part of the cycle—worry about orgasm makes orgasm even harder.
How a Psychologist Can Help
Psychological therapy can make a significant difference because many barriers to orgasm are rooted in the mind, emotions, and nervous system.
1. Reducing Anxiety and Performance Pressure
Techniques from CBT, ACT, and mindfulness help quiet the mind so the body can respond naturally.
2. Rebuilding Body Awareness
Therapy supports reconnection with bodily sensations, pleasure, and presence—without pressure to “perform.”
3. Addressing Shame and Sexual Conditioning
Many clients experience major breakthroughs when exploring old beliefs about pleasure, worthiness, or their body.
4. Improving Communication in Relationships
Learning how to talk about sex openly can dramatically improve satisfaction for both partners.
5. Healing Trauma or Negative Sexual Experiences
Trauma-informed therapy helps women feel safe in their bodies again, allowing sexual response to naturally return.
6. Creating a Personalised Pleasure Plan
Depending on comfort levels, therapy may include:
Understanding your arousal patterns
Exploring what types of touch you enjoy
Gradual exposure exercises
Sensate focus exercises (alone or with a partner)
Reducing avoidance patterns
Practical Steps Women Can Start Today
Even without therapy, there are gentle ways to begin improving orgasmic potential:
Remove pressure – orgasm is easier without expectations
Explore touch privately – figure out what feels good in a low-pressure setting
Prioritise warming up – most women need more time than they think
Use consistent clitoral stimulation
Practise mindfulness during arousal – coming back to sensations rather than thoughts
Communicate preferences – small adjustments can make big differences
Address stress – relaxation, breathing, sensory grounding
These are not “quick fixes,” but they build body awareness and confidence.
When to Seek Professional Help
You may benefit from speaking with a psychologist if:
You’ve never had an orgasm and it causes distress
You used to reach orgasm but can’t anymore
You experience anxiety or shame around sex
Past trauma affects intimacy
You feel disconnected from your body
Sexual difficulties are impacting your relationship
Sex feels like pressure, not pleasure
Seeking support is not a sign of failure—it’s a sign of taking your wellbeing seriously.
Final Thoughts
Anorgasmia is far more common than people realise, and it is highly treatable. Women deserve sexual pleasure, confidence, and fulfilling intimacy—without shame, secrecy, or self-blame.
If you’re struggling with orgasm or sexual satisfaction, reaching out to a psychologist can help you understand the emotional, relational, and cognitive layers that influence your sexual response. With the right support, pleasure becomes far more accessible.
