R U OK? What to say when they’re not ok
R U OK? Day encourages us to check in with the people around us. Asking the question matters—but it is only the beginning.
Many people hesitate to ask because they worry about what will happen if the person says, “Actually, no. I’m not OK.” You do not need to be a psychologist or have the perfect advice. What matters most is being willing to listen, take their response seriously and help them find the right support.
Start by staying present
If someone tells you they are struggling, try not to rush into problem-solving, reassurance or sharing your own experience of something you’ve struggled with (this makes it about you, not them). Instead, begin just by acknowledging what they have shared.
You might say:
“That sounds really difficult.”
“I’m happy to listen if you want to talk about it.”
“I’m really glad you told me.”
“What has been happening?”
“What feels hardest at the moment?”
Give them time to respond. Silence may feel uncomfortable, but it can give someone the space they need to find the words.
Listen without trying to fix it
When we care about someone, it is natural to want to make the problem go away. However, advice offered too quickly can leave the person feeling unheard.
Try to listen with curiosity and reflect what you are hearing:
“It sounds like you’ve been trying to manage this on your own for a while.”
“I can understand why you’re feeling overwhelmed.”
“It makes sense that this has affected you.”
“What would feel most helpful from me right now—listening, practical help or thinking through some options together?”
Avoid responses such as:
“At least…”
“Try not to think about it.”
“You’ll be fine.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“You just need to stay positive.”
“Here’s what you should do.”
Even when well-intended, these responses can minimise what the person is experiencing.
Ask what support would help
Being supportive does not mean taking complete responsibility for the situation. Instead, help the person identify one manageable next step.
You could ask:
“Is there anyone else you feel safe talking to?”
“Have you spoken with your GP or a mental health professional?”
“Would you like me to help you make an appointment?”
“What would make the next few hours or the rest of today feel more manageable?”
Practical support might include helping them contact a professional, sitting with them, arranging transport, bringing them a meal or reducing an immediate demand. Try to offer specific options rather than saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” which can be difficult to act on when someone is overwhelmed. Even something as simple as “Did you want to get a coffee together and chat about it” can help.
If you are worried about their safety, ask directly
If someone sounds hopeless, says others would be better off without them, talks about wanting to disappear or gives you another reason to fear for their safety, it is appropriate to ask directly:
“Are you thinking about suicide?”
“Are you thinking about hurting yourself?”
“Do you feel safe right now?”
“Have you made a plan?”
Asking clearly does not put the idea into someone’s mind. It gives them permission to answer honestly and allows you to understand how urgently they need help.
If they are in immediate danger, have taken steps to harm themselves or cannot stay safe, call 000 or take them to the nearest emergency department. Stay with them if it is safe for you to do so. Do not promise to keep suicidal thoughts or plans secret.
If the danger is not immediate, encourage them to contact a GP, psychologist or crisis service and help them involve another trusted support person.
Remember to check in again
A single conversation can be meaningful, but ongoing contact often matters even more. Send a message the next day or arrange a specific time to reconnect.
Try:
“I’ve been thinking about you. How are things today?”
“Were you able to contact your GP?”
“Would you like some company this afternoon?”
“You don’t need to reply in detail—I just wanted you to know I’m here.”
Checking in shows that the conversation was not a burden and that they have not been forgotten.
You do not need to have all the answers
Supporting someone does not mean becoming their therapist. You can care, listen and help them access support while remaining honest about your own limits.
You might say:
“I care about you and I want to help. I don’t think I can manage this alone, so let’s work out who else we can involve.”
The goal is not to say exactly the right thing. It is to help the person feel heard, less alone and connected with appropriate support.
This R U OK? Day, be prepared not only to ask the question—but to stay for the answer.
Read more at the official website: https://www.ruok.org.au/how-to-ask
If you or someone you know needs urgent support:
Call 000 if there is immediate danger.
Contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or text 0477 13 11 14.
Contact Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.
Young people can contact Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800.
